Reba: Hand Sanitizer
by Dance War
Summary: Reba listens to some good advice and takes the back seat in this story.
1. Basement

Please note: I have never seen a single episode of "Reba", and I never intend to; the fact that people actually watch the show is disturbing enough in and of itself. So I have written a story about a man obsessed with the show. Enjoy.  
  
Characters:  
  
MANNY: A disgustingly overwight, mildly retarded 35-year old homosexual man who lives in his mother's basement. He attends Baptist church every night and is completely fanatic about the WB "hit" tv series Reba.  
  
Scene one, a dark basement den. MANNY is sitting on his ancient green and orange sofa, a gigantic bowl of buttery popcorn balanced carefully on his ample lap. He is basking in the soft blue glow of the television set, completely enthralled with whatever he is watching.  
  
REBA (V.O.)  
  
-so I told him, I'm Reba Hart, and I don't spit, swallow OR chew!  
  
The television audience roars with fake laughter and applause. MANNY grins and brings his greasy hands together, once. The bowl of popcorn falls to the floor, forgotten.  
  
REBA (V.O.)  
  
-and anyway, Annie, what difference does it make if I am in the KKK? I told him I wasn't racist. Hell, I love black people. I think everyone should own one!  
  
The audience goes insane. MANNY drools on his stained pajamas and lets out a low moan- his hand has found it's way down his boxers again.   
  
MANNY (to himself)  
  
Nooooo, Mama said nooooo...  
  
But the hand finds what it is so desperatly seeking and begins to pull, caress, and tug. This always happens when he watches Reba.  
  
REBA (V.O.)  
  
Annie, do you think it was wrong of me to throw acid in that little Jewish girl's face this afternoon?  
  
MANNY pulls his shrivled penis out and masturbates forcefully over a TV Guide with Reba's picture on the cover. He screams when he climaxes, gushing onto the magazine's glossy cover. The disgusting ooze overspills and lands with a little splash in his half-melted glass of Dr. Pibb. He wipes his member with his shirt and tosses the magazine over his shoulder. He stares down at the drink for a moment or two before shrugging and downing the rest of the sordid liquid in one grateful swallow.  
  
REBA (V.O.)  
  
Annie, what are you doing with my monkey teapot? That's genuine ceramic, made in China, so be careful now!  
  
(Fade to black.)  
  
Scene ends. 


	2. Kitchen

Scene Two, a brightly lit kitchen, mid-morning. MANNY is sitting alone at the table, eating a swiss cheese and ketchup sandwhich on rye. He is watching last night's "Reba" episode on the small Whirlpool perched clumsily on the linoleum counter. He is completely naked except for a black cap with the WB logo on it.  
  
REBA (V.O.)  
  
So I said, know why a nigger's like a remote control? 'Cause it's black and does all the work for you!  
  
MANNY (dreamily)  
  
Reba...my love. My pasty, red-headed, Southern Baptist, racist, Vince Gill-listening, pickup-driving, beef-eating love. If only I could hold you in my arms, touch your synthetic mane, caress your pocked face, idly finger your sopping, sloppy slot, I would be in heaven.   
  
REBA (V.O.)  
  
Reba Hart is no racist! In fact, I hate racists! About the only thing I hate more than a racist is a big sweaty black nigger, so there!  
  
MANNY finishes his sandwhich and burps loudly.  
  
REBA (V.O.)  
  
Annie, what are you doing down there! Oh, Annie, I had no i- OH SWEET BABY JESUS IN THE MANGER!!! Annie, use your tongue a little! OH MY! OH, OH, GET IT, GET IT!!!!!!!  
  
MANNY stands and stretches, then crosses the room to the sink, where he meticulously washes his plate, hands and mouth.  
  
REBA (V.O.)  
  
Annie, that was delicious. Now get your sweet ass down to the 7-11 for a pack of Kools and a six-pack. And if that Hindi bastard gives you a hard time about bein' underage, tell him to give me a call, I'll straighten his Vishnu-worshiping ass!  
  
Scene ends. 


	3. Office

Scene three, a large rustic office. a long oak desk faces the door, and behind it is a gigantic window with a breathtaking view of the Miami skyline. MANNY's head suddenly appears from behind the desk. he looks around quickly, then sinks back into his hiding spot.  
  
MANNY (V.O.)  
  
this is the only place i can come to be with you.  
  
REBA (V.O.)  
  
oh, quit yer whinin'. when my daddy was arrested for killing all those darkies back in the fifties, did he whine? hell no! not even when he was sentenced to five years by that nigger-lovin' judge.  
  
MANNY (V.O.)  
  
wow, i didn't even know you could say that on the WB.  
  
REBA (V.O.)  
  
ok, look, annie, i'm sorry i gave you herpes. don't worry, we'll get you some valtrex the next time we go to walgreens for lotto tickets.  
  
MANNY (V.O.)  
  
oh, annie, you're making reba mad! ohhhh, i hope mr. dandy doesn't find me in his office.  
  
REBA (V.O.)  
  
my cunthole itches!  
  
(fade to black)  
  
cut to the basement. MANNY is lying on the floor, happily coloring a picture of a red-haired woman carying a burning cross. he looks up suddenly, and we hear footsteps from above.  
  
MAMA (V.O.)  
  
boy, what you doin' down there!? get your fat ass up here, it's time for church!  
  
MANNY (groaning)  
  
but mama, i don't want to go to church tonight! can't i just stay home, just one time? pleeeease?  
  
MAMA (V.O.)  
  
motherfucker, i ain't raisin no sinner! git your sorry ass up here before i call father mccandy and he gives you a spankin!  
  
MANNY stands up and pulls his pants down, shaking his dick defiantly at the staircase. He puts it away and glumly makes his way up to the living room, where he slips into his plastic pink raincoat and furry brown bunny hat before throwing one last longing gaze at the staircase leading down into his dark lair before following his mother out the front door.  
  
(fade to black)  
  
cut to MR. DANDY'S office, late afternoon. the sun filters through the lightly tinted windows, pooling on the desk and making elongated shadows that dance merrily on the walls. we hear small grunting noises, and suddenly an oreo cookie rolls out from under the desk. before it can get too far, however, a chubby hand darts out and seizes it, then hoists it triumphantly.  
  
MANNY (V.O.)  
  
not so fast, you little bastard.  
  
REBA (V.O.)  
  
hey! annie, put down that little blackie!  
  
MANNY (V.O.)  
  
i'm a little hungry, reba...  
  
REBA (V.O.)  
  
if you're hungry you can eat my sweaty pussy, you silly girl. now c'mon, you can clean the litter box later.  
  
MANNY (V.O.)  
  
oh, alright...  
  
the hand reappears from underneath the desk, and it tosses the oreo into the center of the room, where it rolls a bit before hitting an italian leather shoe. attatched to this shoe is a leg, and a pelvis on that, followed by a torso, a neck, and a head. like an indian totem pole, so is MR. DANDY.  
  
REBA (V.O.)  
  
annie! sssshhhh! did you hear someone coming?  
  
MANNY (V.O.)  
  
oh, reba, you're just being paranoid. oops, i peed myself a bit just then...  
  
there is a faint clicking sound. it's unmistakeable. suddenly MANNY'S head darts out from under the desk, and he finds himself staring into the barrel of a shotgun.  
  
MANNY (V.O.)  
  
holy fuck!  
  
MR. DANDY pulls the trigger. MANNY'S head is instantly, violently torn from his neck. bits of blood, skin and gristle explode into the air as the head rockets across the room, smashing into a glass case used to display DANDY'S victorian pornography collection. the rest of MANNY'S body crashes to the floor. MR. DANDY stands and surveys the wreckage for a moment before tucking the gun back into his coat pocket and exiting the office, taking care to step over any bits of soft, grey brain matter along the way.  
  
REBA (V.O.)  
  
wow! annie, that was great. man, you sure know how to blow my brains out!  
  
there is a brief pause.  
  
REBA (V.O.)  
  
oh, shut the fuck up. don't you think i know a bad joke when i tell one? my whole career has been a bad joke. when is this stupid story going to end?  
  
THE END  
  
(fade to black)  
  
REBA (V.O.)  
  
oh, thank god. 


End file.
